Root Beer Pops, Fudge Pops, I'll Pop You in the Face...

Last night Don texted me to pick up a few things after my shift. Cool. I run to HyVee to get those said items. Lunch meat, chips, salsa.

HyVee has their meat/cheese aisle next to their frozen foods. So as I am perusing the joys of Oscar Mayer, I overhear this delightful conversation between two girls and a guy. All three probably not even 17.

Girl #1- "What do you want? I don't know what I want. Maybe Root Beer Pops?"

Guy- "I don't care, whatever you want."

Girl #1- "I don't care. Whatever you want!"

Girl #2 giggles.

Girl #1- Squeals with delight. "OOOOH! FUDGE pops! But, whatever you want, baby."

Guy- "Whatever you want."

Girl #2 giggles and smiles at me.

Girl #1- "I don't know! I can't decide! I HATE being pregnant! NO! Really, I hate being pregnant! This sucks SO BAD!"

I have to be honest. Besides rolling my eyes over the stupid conversation, I kinda wanted to ask her if she actually wanted the baby. If not, I'd trade her some Root Beer Pops AND Fudge Pops for it.

I Can't Believe I'm Going to be 29! and Other Random News

I can't believe it. I really can't. I'm talking to Emily right now and she said, "I remember when you were 9. And 19. But I remember when you were all your ages, except one and two. Well, one. Maybe like 3 and 4." She also pointed out that I got rid of my imaginary friends when she was born, per my Mom. I had Sherrie and Suzie, I think. I'll have to check. I have no pictures. HA! I crack myself up!

Grandma is back in the care center, and now with her own room. She's so happy with that. They think she might be able to go home in a week or so. Hopefully! Grandma says she can move her fingers more and that she has been using the apple stress ball from Emily. She's very proud.

Still no babies. But we got our new king size bed today, so hopefully it's a baby making bed! Don has mentioned that I really need to go back to my ob/gyn and check out the Chlomid again. We probably will do that soon. And maybe check out Don's swimmer count. heh.

Emily is flying in Thursday so we'll be picking her up and then going to the MoA for cheese for Dad and I have some coupons for free cardstock at Archivers. Then to Tony & Julie's for supper and LOST and sleeping at home in Sleepy Eye. Friday morning we'll be off to Willmar for a day trip and back to work that night for my 24 hour shift. Then Emily flies back on Monday.

Dad sent an email with our Florida ticket info and itinerary! We're flying out April 15th and coming back on the 24th. WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where is Emily Post when you need her?

So people have totally lost all semblance of politeness, ethics, helpfulness, tact, etc.

I understand how people stare and look when they see/hear something that is different. Sure, take a glance and move on. If you really need to know, ask me. But do NOT laugh, point, stare and whisper at or about my clients. What really gets my goat is when I'm trying to go in a place w/ a wheelchair, trying to hold the door open with my butt or my foot or whatever appendage might work, while people stand and watch me. Is it rude to say, "A little help here, please?" Even the places that my clients frequent, like Movie Gallery, where there are two workers on pretty much all the time and neither comes to help. They both just stand behind the counter and WATCH us come in. It's enough to make me WALK right back OUT.

And I am needing to grow a pair, apparently. I'm sick of stuttering, stammering, stalling for an answer when people ask me why I don't have kids. One would think the answer, "We want kids" would be sufficient. But no. Then people ask, "Well, then why don't you have any?" Am I supposed to go through the miscarriage/not ovulating/hormone pills/etc/etc story with them? Or just smile and say....what? What do I say? I was reading Ask Annie or whatever they call it in the paper and there was another couple from MN that had been married for 4 years that was having the exact same problems. They asked what to say when someone asks them the same question. Annie suggested saying, "I can't see how that is any of your business". Well, that is not my style. I am not like that. Even if I'm thinking it. Even if I will say it to Don later when recounting the story. Even if I say it in a blog. I have even tried saying that Don has a daughter. Then people say, "Don't you want any of your OWN?!" So what's the answer? How do I stop the questions? I always feel the need to say everything. Explain it all in three minutes. Even if I don't really know these people. Yeah. Uncomfortable.

I still can't get the answer down for, "Are you still friends with ______?" No, I'm not really. I wouldn't say we're not friends, but what do I say? Come up with the last time I saw her? Say the last bit of info I heard, which is what the people are probably actually looking for....location, marriage, kids, work, etc. Not if we're actually still friends. Those that know how close we were will also say things like, "But you were so close! What happened?!" Do I then say what really happened? Of course not. But I can't ever come up with another option quick enough.

So I just need some guidance, some suggestions. Some something. A friend and a baby would be great though. And maybe lunch with Emily Post.

I'll have what they're having

In no certain order, here are the girls that I can remember that are pregnant right now!

1. Jen V.
2. Jen I.
3. Amanda J.
4. Amanda L.
5. Amy S.
6. Jamie K.
7. Liz W.
8. Jen G.
9. Kara S.
10. Shannon
11. Bobbi M.
12. Carrie
13. Jocelyn S.
14. Soley K.
15. Ashley R.
16. Michelle O.

I think that's it? It seems like there's more, but I can't remember. I'm so happy for them all....please send me some of that!

Meh.

So today I'm still having a migraine and that's about it. I' m watching Baby, Baby on Discovery Health Channel. Started my period last night so you know what that means.....

I've been googling Foster Care and Adoption. Yeah, that's pretty much not going to happen. Our house needs repairs and we don't have a lot of money and Don has some blips on his record. So I'm thinking that's pretty much a no. Why do I want a baby then? Because I do. Shut it. haha.

I decided to do a search on infertile here on blogspot and found a few pages and glanced over them. A lot of these girls are obviously more hard core than I am, and use a lot of acronyms that I am not familiar with.

I would like to think that my hesitation shows that I am thinking this through and it's not something I take lightly, or a passing phase. I would like to think that I am a fairly logical person, and aware of things. Like, for instance, I know that babies cost money. I also know that I complain about our lack thereof. A third thing I know is that there are ways and places that we could cut spending to make it all better....or at least partly better.

I don't know. It's just always on my mind. It was just a comfort to read those other ladies' pages and hear my words and thoughts coming from someone else's fingertips. I knew I wasn't alone, but now I feel somewhat better.

I am annoyed though that a supervisor from work called today and said that if Don is going to go on vacation with my clients and me, he needs to pass a background check. They didn't have him do this last year, so I'm wondering if that was an oversight or if it's just because there was a well publicized car accident last year and my nosey coworkers had to pass on the info to each other.

Ugh, I'm so cynical. I either trust too much or not enough, and both are usually at the wrong times.

Truth About Cats & Dogs...well, really, it's all about me

WARNING: This will be scattered and all over the place.

First of all, well, first in the sense that this is what I'm starting off with: I am now "mood disorder otherwise unspecified" and no longer bipolar. But I take this with a grain of salt, really, as since I was diagnosed BP when I was 16, I've also been told I have PTSD, dysthymia, clinical depression, mood disorders, personality disorders...um, um, what else??? I don't know how I feel about this, and at the same time, I don't know if I care. I've upped my meds (well, my doc did, but I asked for it. I was on more meds back in 2004, but they weren't conducive to having a baby, so I switched to a med with a class that is safe for pregnancy. I'm still on it, just a bit higher of a dose.

The last couple months have been really stressful. I had a customer sue me and the court date was February 1, so I spent a lot of time prepping for that. Then the judge sent the ruling and I got it a couple weeks ago. I was going to appeal it, (as the judge voted in favor for the plantiff) but I don't feel like dealing with the stress of seeing them again, dealing with the court again, etc, etc. So now I'm finding money to pay them back with.

My TMJ and IBS are exponentially worse due to the stress, and I was fitted on the 13th for a mouth guard that will helpfully retrain my jaw since I deal with my stress by clenching my jaw and can't seem to stop. I'm calling it my grill. I'm not vain, but I am also not excited about looking (and apparently sounding-since I will sound different) like an idiot. I have a migraine today, and had one a couple weeks ago, too. This is weird since I haven't had one in over a year I think.

The furnace went out and we didn't have heat during the last two snow storms. Not fun. We went thru a LOT of rigamaroll that I don't feel like typing out, but at least it is working now. We will have to replace that sooner or later, and I'm not looking forward to paying the $2400.

With all the snow falling, then melting, we got some seepage in the basement. It wasn't as bad as we thought it was at first, but still not fun. We moved stuff around and dried stuff off, and we're as good as new pretty much.

I've been in a "funk" and it's been really hard for me to keep up on my spiritual responsibilities. I have been listening to meeting on the tie in rather than going because it's been hard for me to be around people lately. And also because I've been sick, too, but I don't know, it's a culmination of things. I talked to my Presiding Overseer the other night after bookstudy and it was just so wonderful. He was so upbuilding and told me he didn't know what I'd been going thru, and appreciated being filled in. I feel bad telling him my problems, as he lost his father unexpectedly last fall, but I also feel really comfortable with him, and he says I'm not bothering him.

I know about 10 people that are pregnant right now, which good for them, but if you know me, you know that this is sensitive with me. I'm getting pretty down about it and have been having a lot of baby dreams lately. My dreams have always been vivid, and so when I have a baby dream, it's really hard. I wake up thinking I have a baby and then it hits me so fast that it was just a dream....I'd rather be sleeping. So many things are better in my dreams. I can even run and rollerblade! Ha!

And I love my job, it's a great job and the hours are great, too, for what my life could be like if I weren't in a stupid funk, but it's really hard for a social life. Now, don't take me wrong, but we're not supposed to be alone. We are supposed to be around others, be hospitable, have others over, do things with others..... And it's either my hours that mess things up or just the fact that we don't get invited out by those we'd like to do things with. I get invited out by coworkers to random little events, but not by friends in my congregation. But we do get together with a couple an hour away and have a great time with them. We have a lot in common and really enjoy their company. We're actually getting together with them tomorrow night for supper and whatever.


I also wish I could not be a freak. Haha. Let me muddle thru this next part. I'm bothered by weird things. I don't think people should wear denim or hoods to meeting or in service, but I don't wear nylons, and I know that bothers other people. I don't think guys should have spiky hair at meetings or in service, but I think it looks cool otherwise. If we're not supposed to watch R rated movies, why would you want to portray a character from an R rated movie? But at the same time I just watched The Butterfly Effect on TBS the other week because it was edited for content, etc. But I wouldn't dress like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman for a get together....probably mainly because her character was a prostitute. Yes, it is a rated R movie, but I did watch it when it was on tv. So I know I'm hypocritical. Why? Is it because I'm jealous? Is it because the people that do these things are hypocritical? I know we're all imperfect, but come on. What's my deal? Or humor. I know I have watched movies that have had inappropriate humor, but I don't *think* I'm like that all the time? Making fun of "little people" or dwarves, midgets, etc as some people call them is not nice or appropriate. Making fun of fat people, ugly people, people with missing body parts...not nice or appropriate. And all of this? Definitely doesn't portray Christian thoughts or attitudes. Do you think Jesus pointed and laughed at Zacchaeus and said, "You're short!"? No. It's not nice.

I also have an issue with music that people listen to. Oh man, do I.


Now, yes, I know that you are sitting there saying, "But Cat you did this and you did that and did you ever fix this or that?" Sure I did. I used to do bad things, and I know it. I stopped, changed my thinking, and am done with that. So don't judge me by what I used to do. And if there's something I am doing now, how do you know I'm not working on it? Then again, how do I know you're not working on whatever you're working on. See my paradox?


And why can't I just be done with people? I always wonder about people that I went to school with, had crushes on, dated, used to be friends with.....and why? Why think about people that hurt me? Why even bother? I always forgive and kind of forget, and then end up getting hurt again. It's annoying. It's really annoying. It's a good trait to have, sure, but I'm sick of being walked on and used. I try. I call, I email, I write letters, I remember anniversaries, I make plans, or at least attempt to.....and don't receive anything in return. Yes, I know we don't give to receive, but at the same time it's really hard when I don't feel remembered or appreciated. It's really hard when I write or call and don't get a return phone call or even an email, but I see that the person's been on other forums and such, so I know they've been online.

Do you think I'm talking about you? Probably not, but maybe. Email me and find out! Ha!

I've just been so unhappy lately and am not enjoying this. I hate to admit that, too, because everyone else always boasts about their happy little everything. And good for them if things are well. But for once I'd like someone else to admit that their life isn't what they thought it would be, hoped it would be, dreamed it would be. That they, too, struggle with staying positive, getting thru this system, having time to do things, etc, etc. But I don't hear this from anyone around me. Sure, I have friends elsewhere that tell me these things, and I appreciate their candor, but I long for support in my local peers.

My mom and sister have taken on a new existential attitude since they moved to Florida. And good for them! They have escaped the MN/Cloyd/Stierler negativity as they have let me know it's related to. But now when I need to vent, to talk to someone, to bounce things off, to get support, they blow me off and say that I'm being negative and they want to talk about something positive. I do have a hard time putting a positive spin on negative things, but at the same time I need to talk! I learned a long time ago in life that if I hold things in, I explode, and usually in a self abusive manner. Lately, that's been "subdued" to just my TMJ (this blog has made me lock up), but last week I had a full blown scream fest in the car and was quite suicidal.

So that brings me back to-maybe it's good that I haven't had a successful pregnancy. Maybe I'm not stable enough to be a mother. I would hate to do to my kid what was done to me or Don or my Mom and her siblings or Dad and his. But I do know I'd be a good Mom. And yes, I could hopefully be a mom in the paradise, but at the same time, I haven't been feeling like I'm worthy of that......I'm so glad it's up to Jehovah to judge and not man. So then I mourn the loss of the life I wanted in another aspect -being a Mom. I know what my daughter would look like, how she'd sound, how she'd write her name, how she'd look sleeping on Don's chest in the recliner, I can smell her good smell. I hate that I can't have a baby. I hate it. And yes, hate is a strong word. I hate that people pacify me and brush it off.

Oh the migraine....I just wish it would go away. This morning I woke up and couldn't see for about the first two hours....then my vision cleared. I haven't ever had it do that for that long before.....I kept cleaning my glasses and even handed them to Don to see if they were clean. He assured me they were. Now it's more light sensitivity and the pressure in my head. I told Chivon I feel like my eyes are going to explode thru my nose.

I wonder if this will even post?

It must be something in the water

Alright, I am admitting right this moment that part of this might be stemmed from jealousy. But I swear, in the last two and a half years that Don and I have been trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant, everyone and their dog has gotten pregnant and had eighty billion kids. Well, I may have exaggerated a bit there. But I know one friend who has had two, another had one, another is on the way to having her second. Then of course there's all these first time moms...and the coworker I have that's having her fourth. And the girls who got pregnant and complain about it....ugh the cravings, ugh I'm fat, ugh my independance, ugh I didn't want another baby..... I will slap you. And even if I wasn't wanting a baby so badly, I'd slap you anyways. If you don't want to get pregnant, take precautions. Quit complaining.

And I'm sick of people with their lame reasonings and whatnot.

"Well, at least YOU don't have to have morning sickness" (heard that more than once)

Same with cravings, diapers, money, crying, complaining, weight gain, sleep loss, stress, depression, whatever else they come up with.

I'm sure some of these girls are trying to be supportive, trying to be nice....etc, etc.

Very recently someone told me that God gives babies to those who deserve them. Okay, so why all the unwed mothers? Drug users? People that don't need more and use all the tax payer's money? I don't believe that. Not for one second. I definetly believe that God makes things happen, but I also definetly didn't like the insinuation that I'm not good enough. Or whatever they're trying to say.

"Well, you can still __________________" or "Now you can just ____________"


Ugh. Please give me patience and kindness and understanding....and whatever else I need.

You know, I haven't really discussed this whole infertility thing (or even wanting a baby now-as opposed to later in life) with a whole lot of people. Most people I have mentioned it to are coworkers that I see rarely that are nurses, or random strangers. Well, not really, but I don't discuss it so much with people in my congregation, or people that I see real often. I don't know. I'm tired. I might reread this later and say this is all a bunch of hoohah.

What I'm trying to say is that I have gotten a few "fun" responses from "well intentioned" people.

At a photo shoot a couple weeks ago, I was shooting a six month old baby. I asked if I could hold him. They asked if we wanted a baby, I said yes, but it's been taking awhile. They said, "take him over night, you won't want one anymore".

I've also been reminded by people that babies cost money, you don't get to go out anymore, you can't put them back, you can't change your mind, they cry, they stink, they make noise, they'll probably break things, we won't be able to do what we like to do anymore because of a child.

Uh, yeah. So, I don't know....the first analogy that popped into my mind right now is someone telling me they wanted to buy a car. "You know you could get a flat tire, right? That you will have to spend money on tires, gas, oil changes, tune ups, etc.... You could even get hurt or die in an accident."

I believe the benefits far outweigh the, what? Cons? Losses? Troubles? I don't see it this way at all. I am not naive to what it takes to raise a child. Sure, I don't know it necessarily FIRST hand, but being around several friends that have babies/children, having been a babysitter at the age of seven for my baby cousins (I was mature), being a respite worker for a young, single mother out in New Hampshire....I know what it entails. I also work in group homes with adults. I wipe adult butts, I change adult depends, I clean up adult poop, pee, puke, and periods. I think I can handle a baby's butt.

It actually offends me a bit, and makes me feel terribly sad that my friends think I'm inadequate. Or is it that they want to know what I'm getting into? Or is it that they know I'm wanting it so bad that they are trying to make me feel better? I don' t know. But this whole, "trust me, you don't really want a baby" thing is not cool. But thanks for trying.

Results are in.....

So Monday I went to the hospital to have the labs done for some infertility answers. This morning I got home from work and I had a message from Dr. B. He said that he wanted to give me my results, nothing bad, but he wanted to talk about them before he left on vacation tonight and wouldn't be back until April 1st. Well, I don't care to wait that long to find anything out. So I called him back and left a message. Then I went to my Facilitators meeting, told Don to have him call me there if necessary, and waited. Nothing. One of my biggest pet peeves is waiting on a phone call. Or when people don't call me back. So I called him again before we went out to the new house to get some work done.

His nurse even knew it was me. "Is this Cat again?" Well, yeah.....he still hasn't called me back! "He's in with another patient, he'll call you later." When I explained that I was leaving RIGHT THEN to go to Sleepy Eye, she asked if I could wait a half hour. I said no. So I gave her my work number that I would be at tonight from 3:30-6. We hung up. He called right back. Funny, huh?


Anyways. I wish I would've paid more attention. I was shocked and dismayed, and trying not to cry. But let's see. Thyroid is fine. Prolactin went back to normal. Some other test showed that I did not ovulate this month. I went into how I had been doing the Basal thermometer like I was told, and my temperature peaked, my cervical mucus was doing all the things it was supposed to do, etc, etc.....he said that stuff can all still happen, it doesn't mean that you will actually produce an egg. And then he told me my testosterone level was high, and this is indicative of PCOS. Don's ex wife had high testosterone levels, and she had to shave daily....he assured me that not everyone has levels THAT high. But the next step would be to take Chlomid. I'm guessing on that spelling. It's an "infertility pill" that I take on day 5 of my period for five days. Keep counting, should ovulate on day 14. If not pregnant, should get period day 28.

Chlomid has to "serious side effects". One is that it increases the possiblity of twins. I asked how much. He said normal chance of twins is 2% and Chlomid increases it to 5 or 6%. Well, I'm not too worried about that.

But it can also create ovarian cysts. So now monthly, before he fills my next five day dose, I have to go in for a pap. Oh ish. It was already enough to do it yearly. The things we do for the things we want, eh?

So here's the deal.

Alright, I promised an update, didn't I?


Don and I found a house in Sleepy Eye. Our friends had bought it (well, were in the process) just to flip it. So we discussed buying it from them. That is what we're going to do. We plan on signing middle of April. So until then, the four of us (Doug and Cathie, Don and myself- D&C and D&C) are remodeling. They're doing the bathroom, and we're doing the living room. The man that lived there raised seven children in that house, five girls and two boys. He also thought he was quite the carpenter and craftsman, and I appreciate that, I really do. I love crafts, art, working with my hands...you all know that! So I give him credit for trying. But, oh boy, it is a lot of work UNDOING what he did!

First thing that had to go was the paneling in the L Room. It was ugly. Plain and simple. The dear man decided it should also go on the ceiling. I don't know why. So I ripped that off. Only to find another layer of paneling....and then another. Yes, three layers of paneling, each uglier than the last. All different grains and styles.

Under the paneling was masonite, which wasn't bad to pull off. Actually, either was the paneling. Then came the plaster. Wow, do I love ripping that stuff off! More like pounding it in, but still.

And now, the worst part.

I hate, hate, hate lathe. I had never heard of or seen it before, but now I have. And it is NOT FUN to rip off. Not at all. And then of course, the lovely asbestos underneath.

In the bathroom, same story. But not paneling. Layers upon layers of wallpaper.

It's a lot of work. And that's fine. My body loves it. It feels good. Well, no, it is sore tonight, but it's so exciting that this house will be OURS. But it is proving quite dificult to fit it around my full time job, my photo job, and Don's job. Plus service, meetings, etc. So, yeah, we've been busy.



As for the baby trying.

Went in and met with an OB/GYN finally per my regular doctors suggestion. He seems nice enough, and gave us a series of five steps. Monday is step one: labs.

Each step is a a little more serious, and costly, than the last. Hopefully we'll find out before I have to have a tube put in my belly button. Ish. But, I already have a hole there from my surgery last year, so no biggie.

After all this, hopefully we'll find out why we haven't been able to have a successful pregnancy. We've been trying since October 2004......

And then photography business:
I have eight weddings booked for this year, and I am pumped! My business is growing, and I am just so proud. I had an engagement and childrens shoot this week, and both were with the new Rebel XT. I LOVE THAT CAMERA!


That's it for now...... Love ya!