Friday, September 24, 2010

And This is Why I Love Her

"all humans are part dragon, we like our horde.. we don't like it messed with, some have tiny hordes, some have scary houses... either way we feel the same about them"

Talking with Megzy about my pack rat issues..... She has such a sense of things.

Hug A Vegetarian Day!

Who knew this day existed? Perhaps I did, and I forgot. I think this is cute. My sister has been a vegetarian for 15 years now. Or 14? She's awesome. Here's me and my veggie sister...we're not hugging, but we're in close proximity to each other and we're smiling.:-)

Taken 05/03/2009 in Florida. I forget what the place was called.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

How To Explain My Feelings: I am a Jerk

Infertility effects everyone differently. So do miscarriages. I have known many women personally going through infertility and they all have different, but similar, outlooks on it. Their spouses all react differently as well. Don is supportive of me, and has hopes and dreams for children, too. I still feel like he doesn't really get it. And it's partially my fault since I clam up rather than talk about it. Men are fixers and women are listeners. I vent to my women friends and talk to Don not nearly enough on this situation. I need to fix that.

I think one of the bigger factors is that, like someone once told me, "ANYONE can have a baby." Well, obviously not. But still. I watch 19 Kids & Counting on occasion, Teen Mom, A Baby Story, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, etc, etc, etc. I remember girls getting pregnant when we were in 7th grade. I watch the news about people killing their babies because they didn't want to be harassed by their parents anymore. Etc, etc, etc.

It's not like I feel like I'm less of a woman necessarily. It's more like I feel incomplete and not capable.

And at times, I don't feel understood. I think some people think I'm whiny. Hey, at times, I might be! But these tend to be the same people who "decide" to have a baby and get pregnant that next month. I still get the comments saying that I don't REALLY want a baby. They're They poop, they cry, they spit up, you can't go out anymore, etc, etc. Grow up, folks. This isn't anything new. I'm pretty sure I know the mechanics of a baby and how it'll all go down. Guess what? I've been around kids my entire life and started babysitting when I was 8. I know that babysitting isn't the same. But I also know parents who became parents without ever having even held a baby. I've got one up on you there.

The medications and procedures I've gone through so far are NOTHING compared to what there could be in store in the future. But, I gotta tell you, they haven't been fun either. It's the getting my hopes up part that is really rough. I had an HSG in March and I was told that we needed to "really try hard" that month as a high number of women get pregnant after an HSG as the tubes are "nice and clear". Man, did that not feel good at all. It was weird. And let me stop you right there. For those of you thinking, "Oh, but if you thought THAT was bad-just wait until you have a baby!" I get what you're saying. Now listen to me. When you go through labor and delivery, generally you get to keep the fruits of your labor. I know this isn't always the case, sadly, but please, oh please, don't mock me.

I had it all planned out. We were going to Florida for my sister's wedding reception and I was thinking about how all of my family (almost) would be there. My parents, my sister and brother in law, my brother, my cousins and aunt and uncle..... and I could tell them all at once. In person.

I hadn't thrown up in 6 years. I was nauseous to smells and tastes. Even textures. My breasts were sore, and I was tired. My temperature was remaining elevated! I was so giddy, but wasn't trying to get my hopes up (yeah, right). I took tests and they were negative....finally got my period, and so on and so on.....

When meeting with my new therapist for the first or second time we started to discuss this rather large weight on my shoulders. And she asked about my miscarriage. I told her about it and said that I would've had a 6 year old now. I bawled pretty hard thinking about my child that would be in Kindergarten. The birthday would've been past the 5 year old mark.

I found out another baby in the family is on it's way. That's two in the next 6 months or so. I am happy. Very happy for them. Again though, dagger in my heart. I feel like a jerk for being jealous. I am a jerk.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Root Beer Pops, Fudge Pops, I'll Pop You in the Face...

Last night Don texted me to pick up a few things after my shift. Cool. I run to HyVee to get those said items. Lunch meat, chips, salsa.

HyVee has their meat/cheese aisle next to their frozen foods. So as I am perusing the joys of Oscar Mayer, I overhear this delightful conversation between two girls and a guy. All three probably not even 17.

Girl #1- "What do you want? I don't know what I want. Maybe Root Beer Pops?"

Guy- "I don't care, whatever you want."

Girl #1- "I don't care. Whatever you want!"

Girl #2 giggles.

Girl #1- Squeals with delight. "OOOOH! FUDGE pops! But, whatever you want, baby."

Guy- "Whatever you want."

Girl #2 giggles and smiles at me.

Girl #1- "I don't know! I can't decide! I HATE being pregnant! NO! Really, I hate being pregnant! This sucks SO BAD!"

I have to be honest. Besides rolling my eyes over the stupid conversation, I kinda wanted to ask her if she actually wanted the baby. If not, I'd trade her some Root Beer Pops AND Fudge Pops for it.

You Should Be an "English Teacher"

Today I had quite the lovely of loveliest conversations. Well, not really. That was me trying to put a positive spin on it. I do think it was amusing though.

He: "I don't know what you think about Willmar, but my cousin started using drugs as soon as he went there for college."

Me: "That was his choice, not the city's choice. I lived there most of my life and I've never done drugs."

He: "I guess."

I get that certain towns can have certain reputations. I get that, I really do. However, it's just like any other stereotype or prejudiced situation. Generally, it doesn't apply to everyone. Just a few who make a bad name for the whole deal. My current town is nicknamed "Sleazy Eye" by the surrounding towns. Well, again, I know that most of the people in this town are not sleazy. They're old. Ew.

Second conversation with same person that amused me....

We were playing Phase 10. I was winning. Well, not really. I was able to complete a phase and discard before he was able to lay his phase down. I was referred to as a cheater. Um, no, sorry sir. I was behind you a phase for a couple rounds. Then I caught up and surpassed you.


He: "That's it. I redrawl."

Me: "......what?"

He: "I redrawl!"

Me: "Withdrawl?"

He: "Whatever. Geez, Cat. You should be an 'English Teacher'."

I was about to point out that air quotes weren't necessary in that sentence, but I decided that it was probably a moot point.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Vacancy Available

I know way too many babies being born right now. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for all the mothers and fathers. But it still bums me out on a daily basis, multiple times a day. I feel happier for those who have been trying and had issues in the past like Don and me. It gives me hope. For those who conceive without worry or work, it makes me jealous. Yes, I said it. Sometimes I even am bitter for a day or two or three. Congratulations to you all. Now let me go and cry myself to sleep. I will dream weird dreams where I do have a baby and I still work at CashWise and I keep the baby under the register. Or where I don't know that I'm pregnant until I have the baby and I strap the naked baby to the seat and then walk around Target buying baby supplies while carrying a naked baby. Or where I am nursing and then I realize that I don't even have a baby and then I wonder whose baby this is. Or maybe I'll dream that one recurring dream where I find lots and lots of change under a pop machine. Ooooh. That one is fun, too. I make out like a bandit!

Monday, September 13, 2010


I need to be better at blogging. It'd help if I had readers and I didn't feel like I was just talking to myself. Wait. I do have readers. I see them on my blog tracker thingy. I don't have commenters. Sometimes I get comments, but I don't allow them for reasons previously stated. I am repeating myself, yes?

I've been doing more and more photo shoots lately. Then the winter will come and I will be bummed because I'm not getting calls as often as I was. Every winter I forget why I'm not getting calls. Apparently not everyone thinks it's fun to shoot in the snow when it's -20. :-)

Still working on losing weight. I'm down a few more pounds. I'm glad I've started to finally realize that you can't lose weight all at once. You have to lose 2 pounds to get up to 10 pounds to get up to 40 pounds, etc. I think the reality weight loss shows finally drilled it into my brain.

I've been making cards lately. Have I been sending them? No. Have I been posting them on my crafting site? No. Yeah, I'm all together awesome.

I've been so tired and lackluster. I am not finding joy in the things that bring me joy. I also haven't been taking my pills. :-| I keep forgetting. Yeah, ironic, I know. I am seeing a new therapist and I like her a lot. I think I've gone 3 or 4 times now. She's good. Hopefully she won't move, quit or retire like the others.

Next month I'm taking a client to Florida. While I'm there I will be able to see my family. Then my family will be coming to Minnesota the next week. :-) Yay for me! I need some family time.

Well, I can't think of too much else right now. I'm just not feeling very peppy.