Friday, March 23, 2007


So today I'm still having a migraine and that's about it. I' m watching Baby, Baby on Discovery Health Channel. Started my period last night so you know what that means.....

I've been googling Foster Care and Adoption. Yeah, that's pretty much not going to happen. Our house needs repairs and we don't have a lot of money and Don has some blips on his record. So I'm thinking that's pretty much a no. Why do I want a baby then? Because I do. Shut it. haha.

I decided to do a search on infertile here on blogspot and found a few pages and glanced over them. A lot of these girls are obviously more hard core than I am, and use a lot of acronyms that I am not familiar with.

I would like to think that my hesitation shows that I am thinking this through and it's not something I take lightly, or a passing phase. I would like to think that I am a fairly logical person, and aware of things. Like, for instance, I know that babies cost money. I also know that I complain about our lack thereof. A third thing I know is that there are ways and places that we could cut spending to make it all better....or at least partly better.

I don't know. It's just always on my mind. It was just a comfort to read those other ladies' pages and hear my words and thoughts coming from someone else's fingertips. I knew I wasn't alone, but now I feel somewhat better.

I am annoyed though that a supervisor from work called today and said that if Don is going to go on vacation with my clients and me, he needs to pass a background check. They didn't have him do this last year, so I'm wondering if that was an oversight or if it's just because there was a well publicized car accident last year and my nosey coworkers had to pass on the info to each other.

Ugh, I'm so cynical. I either trust too much or not enough, and both are usually at the wrong times.

Truth About Cats & Dogs...well, really, it's all about me

WARNING: This will be scattered and all over the place.

First of all, well, first in the sense that this is what I'm starting off with: I am now "mood disorder otherwise unspecified" and no longer bipolar. But I take this with a grain of salt, really, as since I was diagnosed BP when I was 16, I've also been told I have PTSD, dysthymia, clinical depression, mood disorders, personality, um, what else??? I don't know how I feel about this, and at the same time, I don't know if I care. I've upped my meds (well, my doc did, but I asked for it. I was on more meds back in 2004, but they weren't conducive to having a baby, so I switched to a med with a class that is safe for pregnancy. I'm still on it, just a bit higher of a dose.

The last couple months have been really stressful. I had a customer sue me and the court date was February 1, so I spent a lot of time prepping for that. Then the judge sent the ruling and I got it a couple weeks ago. I was going to appeal it, (as the judge voted in favor for the plantiff) but I don't feel like dealing with the stress of seeing them again, dealing with the court again, etc, etc. So now I'm finding money to pay them back with.

My TMJ and IBS are exponentially worse due to the stress, and I was fitted on the 13th for a mouth guard that will helpfully retrain my jaw since I deal with my stress by clenching my jaw and can't seem to stop. I'm calling it my grill. I'm not vain, but I am also not excited about looking (and apparently sounding-since I will sound different) like an idiot. I have a migraine today, and had one a couple weeks ago, too. This is weird since I haven't had one in over a year I think.

The furnace went out and we didn't have heat during the last two snow storms. Not fun. We went thru a LOT of rigamaroll that I don't feel like typing out, but at least it is working now. We will have to replace that sooner or later, and I'm not looking forward to paying the $2400.

With all the snow falling, then melting, we got some seepage in the basement. It wasn't as bad as we thought it was at first, but still not fun. We moved stuff around and dried stuff off, and we're as good as new pretty much.

I've been in a "funk" and it's been really hard for me to keep up on my spiritual responsibilities. I have been listening to meeting on the tie in rather than going because it's been hard for me to be around people lately. And also because I've been sick, too, but I don't know, it's a culmination of things. I talked to my Presiding Overseer the other night after bookstudy and it was just so wonderful. He was so upbuilding and told me he didn't know what I'd been going thru, and appreciated being filled in. I feel bad telling him my problems, as he lost his father unexpectedly last fall, but I also feel really comfortable with him, and he says I'm not bothering him.

I know about 10 people that are pregnant right now, which good for them, but if you know me, you know that this is sensitive with me. I'm getting pretty down about it and have been having a lot of baby dreams lately. My dreams have always been vivid, and so when I have a baby dream, it's really hard. I wake up thinking I have a baby and then it hits me so fast that it was just a dream....I'd rather be sleeping. So many things are better in my dreams. I can even run and rollerblade! Ha!

And I love my job, it's a great job and the hours are great, too, for what my life could be like if I weren't in a stupid funk, but it's really hard for a social life. Now, don't take me wrong, but we're not supposed to be alone. We are supposed to be around others, be hospitable, have others over, do things with others..... And it's either my hours that mess things up or just the fact that we don't get invited out by those we'd like to do things with. I get invited out by coworkers to random little events, but not by friends in my congregation. But we do get together with a couple an hour away and have a great time with them. We have a lot in common and really enjoy their company. We're actually getting together with them tomorrow night for supper and whatever.

I also wish I could not be a freak. Haha. Let me muddle thru this next part. I'm bothered by weird things. I don't think people should wear denim or hoods to meeting or in service, but I don't wear nylons, and I know that bothers other people. I don't think guys should have spiky hair at meetings or in service, but I think it looks cool otherwise. If we're not supposed to watch R rated movies, why would you want to portray a character from an R rated movie? But at the same time I just watched The Butterfly Effect on TBS the other week because it was edited for content, etc. But I wouldn't dress like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman for a get together....probably mainly because her character was a prostitute. Yes, it is a rated R movie, but I did watch it when it was on tv. So I know I'm hypocritical. Why? Is it because I'm jealous? Is it because the people that do these things are hypocritical? I know we're all imperfect, but come on. What's my deal? Or humor. I know I have watched movies that have had inappropriate humor, but I don't *think* I'm like that all the time? Making fun of "little people" or dwarves, midgets, etc as some people call them is not nice or appropriate. Making fun of fat people, ugly people, people with missing body parts...not nice or appropriate. And all of this? Definitely doesn't portray Christian thoughts or attitudes. Do you think Jesus pointed and laughed at Zacchaeus and said, "You're short!"? No. It's not nice.

I also have an issue with music that people listen to. Oh man, do I.

Now, yes, I know that you are sitting there saying, "But Cat you did this and you did that and did you ever fix this or that?" Sure I did. I used to do bad things, and I know it. I stopped, changed my thinking, and am done with that. So don't judge me by what I used to do. And if there's something I am doing now, how do you know I'm not working on it? Then again, how do I know you're not working on whatever you're working on. See my paradox?

And why can't I just be done with people? I always wonder about people that I went to school with, had crushes on, dated, used to be friends with.....and why? Why think about people that hurt me? Why even bother? I always forgive and kind of forget, and then end up getting hurt again. It's annoying. It's really annoying. It's a good trait to have, sure, but I'm sick of being walked on and used. I try. I call, I email, I write letters, I remember anniversaries, I make plans, or at least attempt to.....and don't receive anything in return. Yes, I know we don't give to receive, but at the same time it's really hard when I don't feel remembered or appreciated. It's really hard when I write or call and don't get a return phone call or even an email, but I see that the person's been on other forums and such, so I know they've been online.

Do you think I'm talking about you? Probably not, but maybe. Email me and find out! Ha!

I've just been so unhappy lately and am not enjoying this. I hate to admit that, too, because everyone else always boasts about their happy little everything. And good for them if things are well. But for once I'd like someone else to admit that their life isn't what they thought it would be, hoped it would be, dreamed it would be. That they, too, struggle with staying positive, getting thru this system, having time to do things, etc, etc. But I don't hear this from anyone around me. Sure, I have friends elsewhere that tell me these things, and I appreciate their candor, but I long for support in my local peers.

My mom and sister have taken on a new existential attitude since they moved to Florida. And good for them! They have escaped the MN/Cloyd/Stierler negativity as they have let me know it's related to. But now when I need to vent, to talk to someone, to bounce things off, to get support, they blow me off and say that I'm being negative and they want to talk about something positive. I do have a hard time putting a positive spin on negative things, but at the same time I need to talk! I learned a long time ago in life that if I hold things in, I explode, and usually in a self abusive manner. Lately, that's been "subdued" to just my TMJ (this blog has made me lock up), but last week I had a full blown scream fest in the car and was quite suicidal.

So that brings me back to-maybe it's good that I haven't had a successful pregnancy. Maybe I'm not stable enough to be a mother. I would hate to do to my kid what was done to me or Don or my Mom and her siblings or Dad and his. But I do know I'd be a good Mom. And yes, I could hopefully be a mom in the paradise, but at the same time, I haven't been feeling like I'm worthy of that......I'm so glad it's up to Jehovah to judge and not man. So then I mourn the loss of the life I wanted in another aspect -being a Mom. I know what my daughter would look like, how she'd sound, how she'd write her name, how she'd look sleeping on Don's chest in the recliner, I can smell her good smell. I hate that I can't have a baby. I hate it. And yes, hate is a strong word. I hate that people pacify me and brush it off.

Oh the migraine....I just wish it would go away. This morning I woke up and couldn't see for about the first two hours....then my vision cleared. I haven't ever had it do that for that long before.....I kept cleaning my glasses and even handed them to Don to see if they were clean. He assured me they were. Now it's more light sensitivity and the pressure in my head. I told Chivon I feel like my eyes are going to explode thru my nose.

I wonder if this will even post?