Lost & Found

Last Sunday night when I got home from work I was assaulted with the smell of cat pee/spray. I cleaned the boxes, and they were both really empty. So we figured Garlic was spraying again (he has yet to be declawed and neutered, our little Humpy One).

So last Monday I was realizing that I hadn't see Garlic since I was home. Then I realized I hadn't seen him the night before either, when I got home from work late. So I asked Don when the last time he saw Garlic was. He couldn't remember.

I started the hunt, panicked, remember poor Squishy's fate. You have to know, too, that Garlic is fairly shy and we think a little "off", and goes off by himself a lot (all my cats are house cats, so I'm referring to off in the house). I go downstairs and call his name and I hear him meowing plaintivly. I scream for Don to come down with me, cause I can't handle the thought of what I might find alone. I go by the washer/dryer/water softener/furnace area and hear him really clearly. I look behind the washer and dryer, I look IN the washer (the lid was up), I'm trying to figure out if he got in the furnace duct thingy, when I decide to open the dryer.

Pouring out of the bright light is the smell of poop and pee and a scared little kitty. He was up on one of those bar thingys...you know those things every foot or so in the dryer? The bottom was covered with fur, poop and pee. He wouldn't come to us for a couple hours, the poor guy was walking funny, and SMELLED bad! I cleaned up the dryer while bawling (Don's like, "Why are you crying? He's okay!") and then made a special treat for him so he'd come to me and I could try to pet, comfort and clean him. (All I did was mix a can of soft food with their dry food and gave some to each kitty-but they love it!) I wiped him down with baby wipes and he cleaned himself a lot, too.

A week later (almost) he still smells faintly of pee, the dryer is still holding on to a faint scent......

Oh, and we figure he was in there since Saturday, maybe Friday when Don finished washing the rats rags. I'm asuming that Garlic jumped in while Don was standing up with the basket and Don closed the door, thinking it was empty. I feel like an awful human being and an awful mama. It's just hard cause like I said, he'll go off into another place and be by himself a lot, whereas the other two tend to come see what we're up to.

He's doing fine now. Back to his normal self. But yeah, I need to figure out how to get that smell completely out of him!

Bored Out of My Gourd

Yeah, I could clean. I could cook. I could bake. I could straighten things up. I could change my sheets. I could study. I could read. I'm in a slump mentally and it's making me slump physically. I'm also enjoying having an actual weekend OFF. So I went thru all my friend's blogs to see if anyone had written anything lately and then bookmarked them all (I always just type them in or click from another). Then I organized my bookmarks on the laptop since I haven't done that. I found some avatars and updated a few things. Checked my email. Um....we're watching The Kid. I had seen it a long time ago, but Don hadn't, so he DVR'd it a month ago or so and we're finally getting to it tonight. He's not loving it as much as he thought he would, so he's working on his stamps. I want to wash all the jars that I bought yesterday at the garage sale and organize more after this, but I feel achy at the same time..but maybe once I start, I'll feel better and forget about it.

Where is Emily Post when you need her?

So people have totally lost all semblance of politeness, ethics, helpfulness, tact, etc.

I understand how people stare and look when they see/hear something that is different. Sure, take a glance and move on. If you really need to know, ask me. But do NOT laugh, point, stare and whisper at or about my clients. What really gets my goat is when I'm trying to go in a place w/ a wheelchair, trying to hold the door open with my butt or my foot or whatever appendage might work, while people stand and watch me. Is it rude to say, "A little help here, please?" Even the places that my clients frequent, like Movie Gallery, where there are two workers on pretty much all the time and neither comes to help. They both just stand behind the counter and WATCH us come in. It's enough to make me WALK right back OUT.

And I am needing to grow a pair, apparently. I'm sick of stuttering, stammering, stalling for an answer when people ask me why I don't have kids. One would think the answer, "We want kids" would be sufficient. But no. Then people ask, "Well, then why don't you have any?" Am I supposed to go through the miscarriage/not ovulating/hormone pills/etc/etc story with them? Or just smile and say....what? What do I say? I was reading Ask Annie or whatever they call it in the paper and there was another couple from MN that had been married for 4 years that was having the exact same problems. They asked what to say when someone asks them the same question. Annie suggested saying, "I can't see how that is any of your business". Well, that is not my style. I am not like that. Even if I'm thinking it. Even if I will say it to Don later when recounting the story. Even if I say it in a blog. I have even tried saying that Don has a daughter. Then people say, "Don't you want any of your OWN?!" So what's the answer? How do I stop the questions? I always feel the need to say everything. Explain it all in three minutes. Even if I don't really know these people. Yeah. Uncomfortable.

I still can't get the answer down for, "Are you still friends with ______?" No, I'm not really. I wouldn't say we're not friends, but what do I say? Come up with the last time I saw her? Say the last bit of info I heard, which is what the people are probably actually looking for....location, marriage, kids, work, etc. Not if we're actually still friends. Those that know how close we were will also say things like, "But you were so close! What happened?!" Do I then say what really happened? Of course not. But I can't ever come up with another option quick enough.

So I just need some guidance, some suggestions. Some something. A friend and a baby would be great though. And maybe lunch with Emily Post.

To Blog, or not to Blog. That is the question

You know what's funny? I was going to complain how nobody reads this. Yet at the same time, I'd get so mad if someone read my diary. But here I say things with the knowledge of the possibility that someone will read this. I have friends and know other people that have dozens of faithful readers. Yet, I might have two random people pass through. If there are any more, please comment-JUST so I'll know that someone was here, if for nothing else.

Well, today a baby was born. Elizabeth Christine Labrucherie was born to Amanda and Joel Labrucherie. I didn't get the time, but she is 7 lbs 10 oz, 21 inches long. The proud papa says she has brownish hair and is very alert, wiggling her arms and looking around. I wanted to talk to mama, but she said she's beat, so hopefully tomorrow!

I'm currently in Wisconsin Dells with two of my clients. We've been here since Sunday night and are leaving tomorrow. We've gone to the movies (The Simpsons), a train ride, a Duck ride, saw a Fab 50's Live show, mined for gems, the guys rode bumper cars....um, what else? It's been fun. I get a little over stressed on working vacations as I have no alone or down time. It's really hard to keep going and going.

Again I was late...so I was almost getting excited, but for nothing again. I really need to get back into the doctor to get back on chlomid and hopefully that will work this time! I just really want a baby!!!

My brother and his wife and kids are talking about coming this Sunday to visit and go see the Laura Ingles Wilder stuff in Walnut Grove. I'm really hoping they come,even though my place is NOT looking good AT ALL! hahaha. I wouldn't normally mind, but they have such a nice place...I feel inferior.

I also have a wedding shoot this Saturday. I'm pumped. They're a great couple- we had so much fun on the engagement shoot. Very photogenic, and they like the different poses and effects I offer. YAY FOR ME!

Can you tell I'm bored? Oh wait, you can't, as noone reads this!!!! hahahaha


All for now.

Yippee Ki Yi Yay!

Our friend Ashlie had a western themed graduation party...we were all to dress up...Don even sported a lovely moustache!

It was a fun night and I saw a bunch of friends I haven't seen in a long time. I'm not too talkative right now, I guess....

I'll have what they're having

In no certain order, here are the girls that I can remember that are pregnant right now!

1. Jen V.
2. Jen I.
3. Amanda J.
4. Amanda L.
5. Amy S.
6. Jamie K.
7. Liz W.
8. Jen G.
9. Kara S.
10. Shannon
11. Bobbi M.
12. Carrie
13. Jocelyn S.
14. Soley K.
15. Ashley R.
16. Michelle O.

I think that's it? It seems like there's more, but I can't remember. I'm so happy for them all....please send me some of that!

Meh.

So today I'm still having a migraine and that's about it. I' m watching Baby, Baby on Discovery Health Channel. Started my period last night so you know what that means.....

I've been googling Foster Care and Adoption. Yeah, that's pretty much not going to happen. Our house needs repairs and we don't have a lot of money and Don has some blips on his record. So I'm thinking that's pretty much a no. Why do I want a baby then? Because I do. Shut it. haha.

I decided to do a search on infertile here on blogspot and found a few pages and glanced over them. A lot of these girls are obviously more hard core than I am, and use a lot of acronyms that I am not familiar with.

I would like to think that my hesitation shows that I am thinking this through and it's not something I take lightly, or a passing phase. I would like to think that I am a fairly logical person, and aware of things. Like, for instance, I know that babies cost money. I also know that I complain about our lack thereof. A third thing I know is that there are ways and places that we could cut spending to make it all better....or at least partly better.

I don't know. It's just always on my mind. It was just a comfort to read those other ladies' pages and hear my words and thoughts coming from someone else's fingertips. I knew I wasn't alone, but now I feel somewhat better.

I am annoyed though that a supervisor from work called today and said that if Don is going to go on vacation with my clients and me, he needs to pass a background check. They didn't have him do this last year, so I'm wondering if that was an oversight or if it's just because there was a well publicized car accident last year and my nosey coworkers had to pass on the info to each other.

Ugh, I'm so cynical. I either trust too much or not enough, and both are usually at the wrong times.

Truth About Cats & Dogs...well, really, it's all about me

WARNING: This will be scattered and all over the place.

First of all, well, first in the sense that this is what I'm starting off with: I am now "mood disorder otherwise unspecified" and no longer bipolar. But I take this with a grain of salt, really, as since I was diagnosed BP when I was 16, I've also been told I have PTSD, dysthymia, clinical depression, mood disorders, personality disorders...um, um, what else??? I don't know how I feel about this, and at the same time, I don't know if I care. I've upped my meds (well, my doc did, but I asked for it. I was on more meds back in 2004, but they weren't conducive to having a baby, so I switched to a med with a class that is safe for pregnancy. I'm still on it, just a bit higher of a dose.

The last couple months have been really stressful. I had a customer sue me and the court date was February 1, so I spent a lot of time prepping for that. Then the judge sent the ruling and I got it a couple weeks ago. I was going to appeal it, (as the judge voted in favor for the plantiff) but I don't feel like dealing with the stress of seeing them again, dealing with the court again, etc, etc. So now I'm finding money to pay them back with.

My TMJ and IBS are exponentially worse due to the stress, and I was fitted on the 13th for a mouth guard that will helpfully retrain my jaw since I deal with my stress by clenching my jaw and can't seem to stop. I'm calling it my grill. I'm not vain, but I am also not excited about looking (and apparently sounding-since I will sound different) like an idiot. I have a migraine today, and had one a couple weeks ago, too. This is weird since I haven't had one in over a year I think.

The furnace went out and we didn't have heat during the last two snow storms. Not fun. We went thru a LOT of rigamaroll that I don't feel like typing out, but at least it is working now. We will have to replace that sooner or later, and I'm not looking forward to paying the $2400.

With all the snow falling, then melting, we got some seepage in the basement. It wasn't as bad as we thought it was at first, but still not fun. We moved stuff around and dried stuff off, and we're as good as new pretty much.

I've been in a "funk" and it's been really hard for me to keep up on my spiritual responsibilities. I have been listening to meeting on the tie in rather than going because it's been hard for me to be around people lately. And also because I've been sick, too, but I don't know, it's a culmination of things. I talked to my Presiding Overseer the other night after bookstudy and it was just so wonderful. He was so upbuilding and told me he didn't know what I'd been going thru, and appreciated being filled in. I feel bad telling him my problems, as he lost his father unexpectedly last fall, but I also feel really comfortable with him, and he says I'm not bothering him.

I know about 10 people that are pregnant right now, which good for them, but if you know me, you know that this is sensitive with me. I'm getting pretty down about it and have been having a lot of baby dreams lately. My dreams have always been vivid, and so when I have a baby dream, it's really hard. I wake up thinking I have a baby and then it hits me so fast that it was just a dream....I'd rather be sleeping. So many things are better in my dreams. I can even run and rollerblade! Ha!

And I love my job, it's a great job and the hours are great, too, for what my life could be like if I weren't in a stupid funk, but it's really hard for a social life. Now, don't take me wrong, but we're not supposed to be alone. We are supposed to be around others, be hospitable, have others over, do things with others..... And it's either my hours that mess things up or just the fact that we don't get invited out by those we'd like to do things with. I get invited out by coworkers to random little events, but not by friends in my congregation. But we do get together with a couple an hour away and have a great time with them. We have a lot in common and really enjoy their company. We're actually getting together with them tomorrow night for supper and whatever.


I also wish I could not be a freak. Haha. Let me muddle thru this next part. I'm bothered by weird things. I don't think people should wear denim or hoods to meeting or in service, but I don't wear nylons, and I know that bothers other people. I don't think guys should have spiky hair at meetings or in service, but I think it looks cool otherwise. If we're not supposed to watch R rated movies, why would you want to portray a character from an R rated movie? But at the same time I just watched The Butterfly Effect on TBS the other week because it was edited for content, etc. But I wouldn't dress like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman for a get together....probably mainly because her character was a prostitute. Yes, it is a rated R movie, but I did watch it when it was on tv. So I know I'm hypocritical. Why? Is it because I'm jealous? Is it because the people that do these things are hypocritical? I know we're all imperfect, but come on. What's my deal? Or humor. I know I have watched movies that have had inappropriate humor, but I don't *think* I'm like that all the time? Making fun of "little people" or dwarves, midgets, etc as some people call them is not nice or appropriate. Making fun of fat people, ugly people, people with missing body parts...not nice or appropriate. And all of this? Definitely doesn't portray Christian thoughts or attitudes. Do you think Jesus pointed and laughed at Zacchaeus and said, "You're short!"? No. It's not nice.

I also have an issue with music that people listen to. Oh man, do I.


Now, yes, I know that you are sitting there saying, "But Cat you did this and you did that and did you ever fix this or that?" Sure I did. I used to do bad things, and I know it. I stopped, changed my thinking, and am done with that. So don't judge me by what I used to do. And if there's something I am doing now, how do you know I'm not working on it? Then again, how do I know you're not working on whatever you're working on. See my paradox?


And why can't I just be done with people? I always wonder about people that I went to school with, had crushes on, dated, used to be friends with.....and why? Why think about people that hurt me? Why even bother? I always forgive and kind of forget, and then end up getting hurt again. It's annoying. It's really annoying. It's a good trait to have, sure, but I'm sick of being walked on and used. I try. I call, I email, I write letters, I remember anniversaries, I make plans, or at least attempt to.....and don't receive anything in return. Yes, I know we don't give to receive, but at the same time it's really hard when I don't feel remembered or appreciated. It's really hard when I write or call and don't get a return phone call or even an email, but I see that the person's been on other forums and such, so I know they've been online.

Do you think I'm talking about you? Probably not, but maybe. Email me and find out! Ha!

I've just been so unhappy lately and am not enjoying this. I hate to admit that, too, because everyone else always boasts about their happy little everything. And good for them if things are well. But for once I'd like someone else to admit that their life isn't what they thought it would be, hoped it would be, dreamed it would be. That they, too, struggle with staying positive, getting thru this system, having time to do things, etc, etc. But I don't hear this from anyone around me. Sure, I have friends elsewhere that tell me these things, and I appreciate their candor, but I long for support in my local peers.

My mom and sister have taken on a new existential attitude since they moved to Florida. And good for them! They have escaped the MN/Cloyd/Stierler negativity as they have let me know it's related to. But now when I need to vent, to talk to someone, to bounce things off, to get support, they blow me off and say that I'm being negative and they want to talk about something positive. I do have a hard time putting a positive spin on negative things, but at the same time I need to talk! I learned a long time ago in life that if I hold things in, I explode, and usually in a self abusive manner. Lately, that's been "subdued" to just my TMJ (this blog has made me lock up), but last week I had a full blown scream fest in the car and was quite suicidal.

So that brings me back to-maybe it's good that I haven't had a successful pregnancy. Maybe I'm not stable enough to be a mother. I would hate to do to my kid what was done to me or Don or my Mom and her siblings or Dad and his. But I do know I'd be a good Mom. And yes, I could hopefully be a mom in the paradise, but at the same time, I haven't been feeling like I'm worthy of that......I'm so glad it's up to Jehovah to judge and not man. So then I mourn the loss of the life I wanted in another aspect -being a Mom. I know what my daughter would look like, how she'd sound, how she'd write her name, how she'd look sleeping on Don's chest in the recliner, I can smell her good smell. I hate that I can't have a baby. I hate it. And yes, hate is a strong word. I hate that people pacify me and brush it off.

Oh the migraine....I just wish it would go away. This morning I woke up and couldn't see for about the first two hours....then my vision cleared. I haven't ever had it do that for that long before.....I kept cleaning my glasses and even handed them to Don to see if they were clean. He assured me they were. Now it's more light sensitivity and the pressure in my head. I told Chivon I feel like my eyes are going to explode thru my nose.

I wonder if this will even post?

It must be something in the water

Alright, I am admitting right this moment that part of this might be stemmed from jealousy. But I swear, in the last two and a half years that Don and I have been trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant, everyone and their dog has gotten pregnant and had eighty billion kids. Well, I may have exaggerated a bit there. But I know one friend who has had two, another had one, another is on the way to having her second. Then of course there's all these first time moms...and the coworker I have that's having her fourth. And the girls who got pregnant and complain about it....ugh the cravings, ugh I'm fat, ugh my independance, ugh I didn't want another baby..... I will slap you. And even if I wasn't wanting a baby so badly, I'd slap you anyways. If you don't want to get pregnant, take precautions. Quit complaining.

And I'm sick of people with their lame reasonings and whatnot.

"Well, at least YOU don't have to have morning sickness" (heard that more than once)

Same with cravings, diapers, money, crying, complaining, weight gain, sleep loss, stress, depression, whatever else they come up with.

I'm sure some of these girls are trying to be supportive, trying to be nice....etc, etc.

Very recently someone told me that God gives babies to those who deserve them. Okay, so why all the unwed mothers? Drug users? People that don't need more and use all the tax payer's money? I don't believe that. Not for one second. I definetly believe that God makes things happen, but I also definetly didn't like the insinuation that I'm not good enough. Or whatever they're trying to say.

"Well, you can still __________________" or "Now you can just ____________"


Ugh. Please give me patience and kindness and understanding....and whatever else I need.

Yeah, I'm still here

I haven't blogged since August? I really don't believe that, yet I do. Life has been stupid lately. Glad 2006 is over, hoping 2007 will be better. Um...it's snowing outside right now. I'd say we have 5 inches so far? It started around 4 and we got a lot quickly. Well, last time I was outside was also 4 hours ago..so we might have more by now. Oh this is dull. No wonder people don't read this!