Sometimes I ....

*feel really selfish.
*have mean thoughts.
*want to say to people "YEAH! I get it! You have a baby! BLECH!"
*feel bad for having those thoughts.
*laugh when people say they plan on getting pregnant.
*cry when it actually happens when they wanted it to.
*wonder if I'm always going to be like this or if it will get better.
*don't want to wake up because in my dreams I have a baby.
*get really mad when people who have children have a loss and they seem to forget that they still have another child.
*feel bad that I thought that, too.
*eat my emotions.

Don't You Like Kids?

I think what really hurts, or at least greatly adds to the hurt, of being infertile is the status being a mother has. Even I do it, or did it until I knew better. You know, ask someone when you meet them or see them again or whatever.... "So, do you have kids?" I try to no longer do that. Sometimes I do. It depends on my day. But what really makes me mad is the response I get from people when I say no or when I say I have a stepdaughter. "Why not?" "What are you waiting for?"
"Don't you like kids?"

Yep. That's it. I hate kids. What a weird question.




But the pity look. The LOOK that they give when they find out you don't have kids. "Awww, she'll never know the fullfillment and richness being a mother brings."

OR.......

The "You don't want kids anyways." comment. I can't decide which one makes me more mad. I don't have to decide (I can hear my Mom, "Is that something you really need to decide?") but that's not what I mean.

I was told yesterday that I should just start saying I'll pray for them. She meant a specific person about a different thing, but hey, it could work for this, too.

Heavy Heart and Mind

I don't know where to start. I lost two classmates in the past three weeks. It makes me sad and pensive. One fought long and hard to keep living and she died of brain cancer. The other took his own life. I know of four people that have committed suicide in the past few weeks. Not all of them personally, but I know people that it effects. Suicide hits me in a hard way because of my personal struggles and those of people close to me. I am afraid to say too much, so I won't.

I know so many people some sort of cancer right now. My Grandpa has leukemia for one. Other friends, coworkers and acquaintances have cancer or someone in their life does. It's so sad, and yet I know these types of things were foretold.

There's a girl I know of that just had an abortion. I know people who intentionally drink or smoke or do drugs to have low birth weights or because they don't care. Where I, and so many other ladies, would (and have) done anything to be a mother.

I've just been so sad and down lately. Even though I don't (and never have) celebrate holidays, the winter months bum me out. Whether it be because of SAD or because of the sappy commercials, movies, tv shows or maybe just because of all the hype of family time and togetherness and my family lives so far away, I just don't know. I don't feel like doing much, but then I cry because I'm not doing anything. I do stuff and then I wish I was at home. Ugh.

I don't know my point. Life and death and family and loving and missing people are all on my mind. I'm such a sentimental person anyways, but it's been amplified by all the recent events.