Again

I was told that I need to blog more often, and that I need to be less depressing. 

Well, this blog will at least increase my frequency, I suppose.  But I can't say much for the depressing aspect.

I'm not going to talk about this year.  Not right now.  This year has been the ....

No. I said I wasn't going to discuss it. 

However, you may remember the post from last October.  Next week is the ceremony again in the park.  I'm looking forward to it.  In my own sick, sad way, I'm looking forward to it.

Last year helped me tremendously.  Publicly acknowledging that I lost babies.  Saying "yes, I lost. I hurt. They were real.  They ARE real".  Being with people who understand my loss.  Well, as much as I can understand theirs.  Even when we read the same book, we take away different messages.

Today I had lunch with a friend that I've known since second grade.  I love her.  I don't see her nearly enough, but each time it's as if I just saw her yesterday.  We talked a bit about my loss and I said how I wish that there wasn't still a stigma.  Well, those weren't my exact words, but here are my thoughts:

People are STILL under the idea that they must wait 12 weeks before they tell anyone they're pregnant.  Maybe a whisper in two or three ears, but not really spreading the word.  Make sure they're "safe".  Into the second trimester.

I say bull.  BULL. 

You're supposed to keep this all a secret just in case you lose the baby.  So as to not upset your friends and family.  So that you suffer alone.  Cry alone.  Grieve alone.  Wonder if it was all real or if you were fooling yourself.  Have people wonder why you're being weepy and mopey. 

This is so stupid.  I could've used the support each and every time I lost a baby.  My ex husband didn't know how to properly support me either.  I know that it's hard for the men.  I know that.  And nobody has words that will completely fix.  Nothing said will put that baby back.  But a support system is so vital.

I look forward to next week.  I will bring my camera again.  I will bring balloons this time. 

I have taken some personal steps to talk about my babies.  My friends have been phenomenal.  I am still trying to realize and believe that they are real.  They were real.  Just because I didn't get to have a print out ultrasound, see them, hear them, hold them, smell them, kiss them, hear their cries....doesn't mean they weren't real.

I love them all.  I miss them all.  Next Tuesday I will publicly remember them all.

Again.