How To Explain My Feelings: I am a Jerk

Infertility effects everyone differently. So do miscarriages. I have known many women personally going through infertility and they all have different, but similar, outlooks on it. Their spouses all react differently as well. Don is supportive of me, and has hopes and dreams for children, too. I still feel like he doesn't really get it. And it's partially my fault since I clam up rather than talk about it. Men are fixers and women are listeners. I vent to my women friends and talk to Don not nearly enough on this situation. I need to fix that.

I think one of the bigger factors is that, like someone once told me, "ANYONE can have a baby." Well, obviously not. But still. I watch 19 Kids & Counting on occasion, Teen Mom, A Baby Story, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, etc, etc, etc. I remember girls getting pregnant when we were in 7th grade. I watch the news about people killing their babies because they didn't want to be harassed by their parents anymore. Etc, etc, etc.


It's not like I feel like I'm less of a woman necessarily. It's more like I feel incomplete and not capable.

And at times, I don't feel understood. I think some people think I'm whiny. Hey, at times, I might be! But these tend to be the same people who "decide" to have a baby and get pregnant that next month. I still get the comments saying that I don't REALLY want a baby. They're so.much.work. They poop, they cry, they spit up, you can't go out anymore, etc, etc. Grow up, folks. This isn't anything new. I'm pretty sure I know the mechanics of a baby and how it'll all go down. Guess what? I've been around kids my entire life and started babysitting when I was 8. I know that babysitting isn't the same. But I also know parents who became parents without ever having even held a baby. I've got one up on you there.

The medications and procedures I've gone through so far are NOTHING compared to what there could be in store in the future. But, I gotta tell you, they haven't been fun either. It's the getting my hopes up part that is really rough. I had an HSG in March and I was told that we needed to "really try hard" that month as a high number of women get pregnant after an HSG as the tubes are "nice and clear". Man, did that not feel good at all. It was weird. And let me stop you right there. For those of you thinking, "Oh, but if you thought THAT was bad-just wait until you have a baby!" I get what you're saying. Now listen to me. When you go through labor and delivery, generally you get to keep the fruits of your labor. I know this isn't always the case, sadly, but please, oh please, don't mock me.

I had it all planned out. We were going to Florida for my sister's wedding reception and I was thinking about how all of my family (almost) would be there. My parents, my sister and brother in law, my brother, my cousins and aunt and uncle..... and I could tell them all at once. In person.

I hadn't thrown up in 6 years. I was nauseous to smells and tastes. Even textures. My breasts were sore, and I was tired. My temperature was remaining elevated! I was so giddy, but wasn't trying to get my hopes up (yeah, right). I took tests and they were negative....finally got my period, and so on and so on.....

When meeting with my new therapist for the first or second time we started to discuss this rather large weight on my shoulders. And she asked about my miscarriage. I told her about it and said that I would've had a 6 year old now. I bawled pretty hard thinking about my child that would be in Kindergarten. The birthday would've been past the 5 year old mark.

I found out another baby in the family is on it's way. That's two in the next 6 months or so. I am happy. Very happy for them. Again though, dagger in my heart. I feel like a jerk for being jealous. I am a jerk.

Root Beer Pops, Fudge Pops, I'll Pop You in the Face...

Last night Don texted me to pick up a few things after my shift. Cool. I run to HyVee to get those said items. Lunch meat, chips, salsa.

HyVee has their meat/cheese aisle next to their frozen foods. So as I am perusing the joys of Oscar Mayer, I overhear this delightful conversation between two girls and a guy. All three probably not even 17.

Girl #1- "What do you want? I don't know what I want. Maybe Root Beer Pops?"

Guy- "I don't care, whatever you want."

Girl #1- "I don't care. Whatever you want!"

Girl #2 giggles.

Girl #1- Squeals with delight. "OOOOH! FUDGE pops! But, whatever you want, baby."

Guy- "Whatever you want."

Girl #2 giggles and smiles at me.

Girl #1- "I don't know! I can't decide! I HATE being pregnant! NO! Really, I hate being pregnant! This sucks SO BAD!"

I have to be honest. Besides rolling my eyes over the stupid conversation, I kinda wanted to ask her if she actually wanted the baby. If not, I'd trade her some Root Beer Pops AND Fudge Pops for it.

Vacancy Available

I know way too many babies being born right now. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for all the mothers and fathers. But it still bums me out on a daily basis, multiple times a day. I feel happier for those who have been trying and had issues in the past like Don and me. It gives me hope. For those who conceive without worry or work, it makes me jealous. Yes, I said it. Sometimes I even am bitter for a day or two or three. Congratulations to you all. Now let me go and cry myself to sleep. I will dream weird dreams where I do have a baby and I still work at CashWise and I keep the baby under the register. Or where I don't know that I'm pregnant until I have the baby and I strap the naked baby to the seat and then walk around Target buying baby supplies while carrying a naked baby. Or where I am nursing and then I realize that I don't even have a baby and then I wonder whose baby this is. Or maybe I'll dream that one recurring dream where I find lots and lots of change under a pop machine. Ooooh. That one is fun, too. I make out like a bandit!

I Can't Believe I'm Going to be 29! and Other Random News

I can't believe it. I really can't. I'm talking to Emily right now and she said, "I remember when you were 9. And 19. But I remember when you were all your ages, except one and two. Well, one. Maybe like 3 and 4." She also pointed out that I got rid of my imaginary friends when she was born, per my Mom. I had Sherrie and Suzie, I think. I'll have to check. I have no pictures. HA! I crack myself up!

Grandma is back in the care center, and now with her own room. She's so happy with that. They think she might be able to go home in a week or so. Hopefully! Grandma says she can move her fingers more and that she has been using the apple stress ball from Emily. She's very proud.

Still no babies. But we got our new king size bed today, so hopefully it's a baby making bed! Don has mentioned that I really need to go back to my ob/gyn and check out the Chlomid again. We probably will do that soon. And maybe check out Don's swimmer count. heh.

Emily is flying in Thursday so we'll be picking her up and then going to the MoA for cheese for Dad and I have some coupons for free cardstock at Archivers. Then to Tony & Julie's for supper and LOST and sleeping at home in Sleepy Eye. Friday morning we'll be off to Willmar for a day trip and back to work that night for my 24 hour shift. Then Emily flies back on Monday.

Dad sent an email with our Florida ticket info and itinerary! We're flying out April 15th and coming back on the 24th. WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

It must be something in the water

Alright, I am admitting right this moment that part of this might be stemmed from jealousy. But I swear, in the last two and a half years that Don and I have been trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant, everyone and their dog has gotten pregnant and had eighty billion kids. Well, I may have exaggerated a bit there. But I know one friend who has had two, another had one, another is on the way to having her second. Then of course there's all these first time moms...and the coworker I have that's having her fourth. And the girls who got pregnant and complain about it....ugh the cravings, ugh I'm fat, ugh my independance, ugh I didn't want another baby..... I will slap you. And even if I wasn't wanting a baby so badly, I'd slap you anyways. If you don't want to get pregnant, take precautions. Quit complaining.

And I'm sick of people with their lame reasonings and whatnot.

"Well, at least YOU don't have to have morning sickness" (heard that more than once)

Same with cravings, diapers, money, crying, complaining, weight gain, sleep loss, stress, depression, whatever else they come up with.

I'm sure some of these girls are trying to be supportive, trying to be nice....etc, etc.

Very recently someone told me that God gives babies to those who deserve them. Okay, so why all the unwed mothers? Drug users? People that don't need more and use all the tax payer's money? I don't believe that. Not for one second. I definetly believe that God makes things happen, but I also definetly didn't like the insinuation that I'm not good enough. Or whatever they're trying to say.

"Well, you can still __________________" or "Now you can just ____________"


Ugh. Please give me patience and kindness and understanding....and whatever else I need.

You know, I haven't really discussed this whole infertility thing (or even wanting a baby now-as opposed to later in life) with a whole lot of people. Most people I have mentioned it to are coworkers that I see rarely that are nurses, or random strangers. Well, not really, but I don't discuss it so much with people in my congregation, or people that I see real often. I don't know. I'm tired. I might reread this later and say this is all a bunch of hoohah.

What I'm trying to say is that I have gotten a few "fun" responses from "well intentioned" people.

At a photo shoot a couple weeks ago, I was shooting a six month old baby. I asked if I could hold him. They asked if we wanted a baby, I said yes, but it's been taking awhile. They said, "take him over night, you won't want one anymore".

I've also been reminded by people that babies cost money, you don't get to go out anymore, you can't put them back, you can't change your mind, they cry, they stink, they make noise, they'll probably break things, we won't be able to do what we like to do anymore because of a child.

Uh, yeah. So, I don't know....the first analogy that popped into my mind right now is someone telling me they wanted to buy a car. "You know you could get a flat tire, right? That you will have to spend money on tires, gas, oil changes, tune ups, etc.... You could even get hurt or die in an accident."

I believe the benefits far outweigh the, what? Cons? Losses? Troubles? I don't see it this way at all. I am not naive to what it takes to raise a child. Sure, I don't know it necessarily FIRST hand, but being around several friends that have babies/children, having been a babysitter at the age of seven for my baby cousins (I was mature), being a respite worker for a young, single mother out in New Hampshire....I know what it entails. I also work in group homes with adults. I wipe adult butts, I change adult depends, I clean up adult poop, pee, puke, and periods. I think I can handle a baby's butt.

It actually offends me a bit, and makes me feel terribly sad that my friends think I'm inadequate. Or is it that they want to know what I'm getting into? Or is it that they know I'm wanting it so bad that they are trying to make me feel better? I don' t know. But this whole, "trust me, you don't really want a baby" thing is not cool. But thanks for trying.

So here's the deal.

Alright, I promised an update, didn't I?


Don and I found a house in Sleepy Eye. Our friends had bought it (well, were in the process) just to flip it. So we discussed buying it from them. That is what we're going to do. We plan on signing middle of April. So until then, the four of us (Doug and Cathie, Don and myself- D&C and D&C) are remodeling. They're doing the bathroom, and we're doing the living room. The man that lived there raised seven children in that house, five girls and two boys. He also thought he was quite the carpenter and craftsman, and I appreciate that, I really do. I love crafts, art, working with my hands...you all know that! So I give him credit for trying. But, oh boy, it is a lot of work UNDOING what he did!

First thing that had to go was the paneling in the L Room. It was ugly. Plain and simple. The dear man decided it should also go on the ceiling. I don't know why. So I ripped that off. Only to find another layer of paneling....and then another. Yes, three layers of paneling, each uglier than the last. All different grains and styles.

Under the paneling was masonite, which wasn't bad to pull off. Actually, either was the paneling. Then came the plaster. Wow, do I love ripping that stuff off! More like pounding it in, but still.

And now, the worst part.

I hate, hate, hate lathe. I had never heard of or seen it before, but now I have. And it is NOT FUN to rip off. Not at all. And then of course, the lovely asbestos underneath.

In the bathroom, same story. But not paneling. Layers upon layers of wallpaper.

It's a lot of work. And that's fine. My body loves it. It feels good. Well, no, it is sore tonight, but it's so exciting that this house will be OURS. But it is proving quite dificult to fit it around my full time job, my photo job, and Don's job. Plus service, meetings, etc. So, yeah, we've been busy.



As for the baby trying.

Went in and met with an OB/GYN finally per my regular doctors suggestion. He seems nice enough, and gave us a series of five steps. Monday is step one: labs.

Each step is a a little more serious, and costly, than the last. Hopefully we'll find out before I have to have a tube put in my belly button. Ish. But, I already have a hole there from my surgery last year, so no biggie.

After all this, hopefully we'll find out why we haven't been able to have a successful pregnancy. We've been trying since October 2004......

And then photography business:
I have eight weddings booked for this year, and I am pumped! My business is growing, and I am just so proud. I had an engagement and childrens shoot this week, and both were with the new Rebel XT. I LOVE THAT CAMERA!


That's it for now...... Love ya!